Purim humor (similar to 4/1 mock headlines)

Posted on March 11, 2006

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HAMAS PULLS OFF SURPRISE WIN IN ISRAELI ELECTIONS

As Israeli voters went to bed on March 28, they thought the new fledgling Kadima party had earned a plurality of seats in the new Knesset. But they woke up to the news of a stunning upset by Hamas. With 99% of all votes counted, it appears that Hamas will have 31 seats in the new Israeli Parliament to 24 for Kadimah, 18 for the Likud, 12 for Labor and the rest scattered among the religious parties, the super-leftist parties, and the lunatic fringe parties, like the Naked Israeli Cyclists Party, which won one seat.

Exit polls showed unusually strong support for Hamas from across a wide spectrum of disgruntled elements of the Israeli electorate. Look, one Israeli said, we learned quite a bit from our Palestinian cousins. When they got tired of the corruption, they voted for Hamas. We did the same thing. I think only Hamas can clean-up the mess all of our Israeli politicians have made.

On Tuesday, the President of Israel, Moshe Katzav, will ask the head of the Hamas Party, Isheet Mahdraws, to form a government. It is assumed that the National Religious Party and Shas will prostitute itself to become coalition partners.

There is no word as yet if the new Israeli Prime Minister will recognize the Hamas-led Palestinian Parliament or if the Hamas-led Palestinian government will recognize the newly elected Hamas-led Israeli government. However, talks between the two sides will continue until they run out of words to say.

JEWISH MUSEUM, IN A CASH CRUNCH, SELLS OFF ALL ITS ART
Artwork and Judaica to be Replaced by Photos of the Works

After mounting losses, year after year, the Jewish Museum finally decided to do something about it. Recognizing that Jews will not pay any higher admission fees for entrance to the Museum than they already do, the Executive Director looked to innovative approaches to increasing revenues or creating new and exciting income streams.

The new concept, a relatively simple one, was to sell off all its paintings and collections of rare Judaica to the highest bidders some at auction houses like Sothebys, some on E-bay. Replacing the original works are photos taken of those art pieces.

Recent patrons to the museum said that they hardly noticed the change, since so much of the museums possessions were originally photographs, after all. The museums curator added that even the rare collection of photographs, especially of pre-World War II Jewish life in Europe, had been sold and were replaced by photographs of the photographs.

GE ACQUIRES RCA BET DIN

The General Electric Company, on a binge of acquiring anything and everything called RCA, this week announced the acquisition of the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA) Bet Din (religious court). The RCA Bet Din is the number one most-recognized Bet Din for the writing of a get (Jewish religious divorce) and resolution of other conflicts. It has been in the news lately because of certain controversial actions taken regarding a rabbi who shall remain nameless but lives in New Hempstead, New York (Mordechai Tendler).

GE also announced an offer to purchase the Rabbinical College of America (RCA), a Lubavitch rabbinical seminary in Morristown, New Jersey. The acquisition of the seminary will complete our bid to own all things RCA, the president of GE, Jeff Immelt, said . GEs portfolio and my life would finally be complete.

Both the Bet Din and the Seminary said that they would continue operations as usual with minor changes. All lighting in their facilities, of course, would be converted to GE. Also, the RCA Bet Din stationery would now carry the subheading, We bring good halacha to life.

The offer for the RCA Seminary is reported to be $1 million and a Messiah to be named later.

OLMERT GIVES AMMONIA BACK TO PALESTINIANS ORTHODOX YOUTH RIOT

Acting Prime Minister and Chief Political Opportunist of Israel, Ehud Olmert, this week decided to return a cargo ship-load of ammonia back to the Palestinians. The Israeli Coast Guard seized the boat on a tip that it was heading for the Port of Gaza and contained ingredients necessary for the manufacture of bombs. Although ammonia is an ingredient in bombs, upon closer inspection it was discovered that the ammonia on board the boat was not of bomb-making caliber. In fact, it was of household cleanser strength.

Noting that if Palestinians need anything, they need to clean up their homes and themselves, Olmert released the ammonia.

Orthodox youth, upon hearing that Olmert was giving back ammonia to the Palestinians immediately mistook it for a territorial concession on the West Bank and rioted. Since there was no Israeli military or police present to counter the demonstration, only 38 youth were injured.

GE-OWNED RCA BET DIN ISSUES CONTROVERSIAL RULING: JACK ABRAMOFF MAY NOT WEAR A BLACK HAT

Jack Abramoff, the controversial lobbyist currently under indictment and further investigation, has been ordered to stop wearing his Borsolino black hat in public by the GE-RCA Bet Din. While we know that he is an Orthodox Jew, a spokesman for the Bet Din explained, we think it is a chilul Hashem (a desecration of Gods name) that he be seen in it wherever he goes. The Black hat, long associated with the Yeshiva and Haredi (ultra-orthodox) world, has become Abramoffs trademark. Maybe if he doesnt wear it anymore, people will not think of Orthodox Jews every time they see him on TV.

In a separate story, Abramoff denied ever eating chicken in a trafe restaurant, or having shellfish, or a cheeseburger at McDonalds. He did admit to working with a number of Indian tribes as a lobbyist, but saw no violation of halacha. He said that one of the tribal chiefs, Chief Steady Rain, even gave him an honorary Jewish-Indian name, Chief Groiseh Knocker.

In another unrelated story, rumors were flying around Washington that yet another Bet Din was asking Abramoff to change his too-Jewish-sounding name to Jack Mehoff.

ISRAELI FIRM DEVELOPS NEW RECORDING DEVICE THAT IS EVERY SHUL-GOERS DREAM: KI TIVO

An Israeli firm announced this week that it had developed a device that could record the entire Torah-reading on Shabbat morning without violating any principles of halacha, beam it to subscribers all around the world, and allow Jews to time-shift their hearing the weekly Torah portion to a time much more convenient for the individual. Working much like Tivo does with secular programming, this new device would be marketed under the name Ki Tivo.

One Young Israel member, Alan Greenberg, thought that the product was a godsend. Now, Kiddush Club members like myself will not have to wait till the Haftorah to go out drinking, said Greenberg. We can now drink throughout the entire Torah Reading as well! Asked when he might listen to the reading on the new Ki Tivo, Greenberg speculated that he would probably catch up on Tuesday night when there is nothing better to do.

Advance orders were said to be coming in briskly from Great Neck and the Five Towns.

SPEECH IMPEDIMENT SUFFERERS RIOT IN FRONT OF AMERICAN EMBASSIES WORLDWIDE TO PROTEST WARNER BROTHERS CARTOONS

On Wednesday, hundreds of thousands of people who stutter or lisp demonstrated in front of American Embassies throughout the world. They were protesting Warner Brothers cartoon characters, such as Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Daffy Duck and Sylvester the Cat, among others, who speak with a variety of speech impediments, handicaps and challenges. In some European capitals the demonstrations got violent, becoming riots. Three embassies were firebombed by Molotov cocktails and many hundreds of people were injured.

Everyb-b-b-b…one I meet makes f-f-f-f … mocks me, said Thally Thayer. And I just dont think its very f-f-f-f… that hilarious. Thayer, whose real name might be Sally Sayer, but were not sure, says that this resentment of those cartoons by people with speech impediments had been brewing under the surface for years. We have suffered in silence for too m-m-m-m… for too long. We will not tol-tol-tol-tol… put up with it any longer.

Warner Brothers officials were taken a bit by surprise. These characters have been around for over 50 years and everyone has laughed at them, said Jack Warner the third. And now these characters are rioting? To heck with them! Im not changing a darn thing in these cartoon characters. Theyre like family to me. And, mocking their protests, he added, B-dee, b-dee, b-dee, thats all folks!

Counter demonstrators in England came out in support of the Warner Brothers cartoon characters and tangled with the protestors. Police attempted to arrest many of the more violent protestors, but were frustrated when taking down their personal information became such a long, drawn out and frustrating process.

Thayer got in the last word, as it were. And whose idea of a joke was it to an s in lithp?

HILLARY TAKES BILL ON A HUNTING TRIP; NOW BILL CLINTON IS DEAD

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) decided to take her husband and Philanderer in Chief, Bill Clinton, on a hunting trip to upstate New York. Aides released information yesterday that the former President of the United States, who had been missing for a month, had accidentally been killed during their game season.

It appears that Hillary had accidentally stabbed the President 27 times in the chest and groin on the Saturday after the Cheney shooting accident. On Sunday Hillary placed the call to 9-1-1 to report the accident. The president was pronounced dead on arrival as soon as the body reached Columbia-Presbyterian hospital. For the better part of a month she tried to keep the story quiet and ignored the fact that her husband was missing. The story finally got out when a guest to her house asked about an urn on the mantle of her fireplace. Reportedly, Hillary said, smiling thats where I put Bill so that I can keep an eye on him.

An unnamed employee at the Clinton residence, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that she had witnessed the former First Lady and future President engaging in a bizarre ritual. Each night shed pour a small amount of the urns ashes onto a glass dish, go to her bedroom, don a negligee, put on a Monica Lewinsky mask, and say Heres your b.j., Bill. Shed then blow the cremation ashes away. The staffer noted that when she had once commented to the Senator that one day thered be no ash left to blow, Ms. Clinton replied, Well, I guess thatll be the time I finally get rid of that ash-whole.

A memorial service for the former President is planned for the Playboy Mansion next month.

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Midrash of the Two Brothers: Old and New Versions

THE FAMILIAR MIDRASH VERSION

Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the
same hill. The first had a family – It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, “I have a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to help.” So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother’s farm and leave bags of grain.

Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, “I live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed.” So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother’s farm and leave bags of grain.

One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and hugged and kissed each other. And it is on that hill that the Temple was built.

THE UPDATED VERSION

Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the
same hill. The first had a family – wife, sons, daughters. The second lived by himself.

It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself,
“We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only but himself.” So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother’s farm and take bags of grain.

Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, “My brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while I have no one to help.” So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother’s farm and take bags of grain.

One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and yelled at each other and beat each other up.

And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.

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